I came to see you as I did for the past 7 days. I waited in the ward’s waiting area since the nurses said you were finishing up a procedure. I was there to take you home; I was excited and relieved because I didn’t like hospitals and plus it was difficult having to spend my allotted lunch hour in the hospital, but I needed to bring you lunch. I much preferred if you were home. They’d called earlier in the day looking for dad but as usual he wasn’t available. After about 15 minutes the doctor finally came to speak to me. The day in front he had indicated that we would need to get oxygen for you when you were released so I was glad to see him because I had a few questions about how it would all work. I remember the doctor was young but I do not remember much of what he had said; the only thing I recall was that he said he was sorry and that you had died. I vaguely remember him asking if I wanted to see you and I’m pretty certain I said no. That’s why you weren’t answering your cell I thought; it made sense now. With as much strength as I could muster, I left the hospital. I didn’t cry but my heart raced; I pondered what I should do next and made the decision to go to my best friend’s house (you’ve never met him). I called him but he was not home, but his mum said she was so I made my way there. She met me at the door as she usually did and I remember telling her the reason for my visit was to use the bathroom before confiding what the doctor had just told me. She instinctively hugged me and it was then that the tears started to flow. After I had finished my business in the bathroom and the sobbing had ceased, it was time to take responsibility and let the friends and family know. I called Nicole. She was at home as usual. She still did not have a job. I always wondered how is she the older sister when I swear I am more mature. The conversation was short; it lasted long enough for me to convey that you had passed away and that she ought to tell our dad and your brother the news. I hung up and proceeded to dial the other numbers to share the news with those persons who we considered close. The list was admittedly short. After all mum, you had a very small circle of close friends and by circle I really mean a dot. You had one close friend and I called Aunt Marjorie to break it to her that her best friend had died. In retrospect, it occurred to me that I could have been more supportive to Nicole. Apparently she was home alone with your brother; remember he was visiting from the US to be with you and help in any way that he could. He was your closest sibling, the one you said would follow you under a rock, and I know this news could not have been easy for him far less Nicole; but at the time none of this occurred to me. The only person in this world that meant anything to me was suddenly no longer in my life and it did not matter who else felt pain because I was absolutely certain that it was none like which the huge hole in my heart had caused. I did not go home that night. As the evening progressed, the act of driving or even rational thought seemed arduous and I just wanted that day to be over. I somehow thought that if I could get through with this day, I would be better able to function in the morning.  Eleven years later and I still feel unable to function. So many things and events have transpired throughout the years but I still feel unstable and wandering. Little on this earth makes sense and most days I feel as though I am just aimlessly existing without purpose. I often think of how very different life would be had you not left me to fend for myself. Nonetheless I am here and you are not and in your honor I will try my best to make my remaining time on earth as meaningful as possible. Until we meet again.