She had it all planned; she had recited what she would say and decided on when she’d say it,  after all, timing is everything. She was tired of feeling the way she felt and even though she loved him, she knew she needed to do what was best for her; and he had proven that he wasn’t it. The last few months had been tumultuous at best and having this conversation was met with much trepidation but she understood that for her to have peace of mind she had to take this plunge. She went through every scenario in her mind surrounding the details of the conversation; how she would start, how he would react and how she needed to stay firm in her decision. She had ended things with him before over his many indiscretions and each time she found herself wavering at his apologies or explanations, only to forgive him and move on. But this last time was just too much for her. She thought she could move past it; it had been weeks since it happened but most days it was all she could think about. It disrupted her sleep and it caused an overwhelming feeling of constant distress. She knew she hid it well but she had grown weary of hiding. She wanted freedom but mostly peace and she recognised that if she allowed him to hold this pivotal role in her life she would never have that peace. It was necessary that he be demoted, not severed, but that he relinquished the title he currently held.
That day things didn’t go as planned for him; he had a busy and frustrating day and since she had earned the position of ‘rock’ he naturally turned to her for solace. He asked her if he could sleep over and without hesitation she agreed. “This isn’t going to be easy, ” she thought and then made the decision to postpone having the conversation. It wasn’t the first time she put his needs before hers and after all timing was everything. But as he lay next to her that night her sleep was interrupted as thoughts filled her head and she was once again reminded of why her decision was so crucial. She couldn’t wait for day break; she was both anxious and scared but knew that she’d feel a sense of relief once it was all over. After what felt like forever, morning finally came which meant it was now time to have the talk. Once again she could feel the apprehension brewing for fear of the unknown. She would miss those times when things were good and she was ignorant to that other side of him. She would miss their spontaneous drives and hanging out with his friends. She would miss his conversation, the way he made her laugh but mostly she would miss the closeness and intimacy they shared. He seemed to know her inside and out and this was evidenced when, that morning, he asked if she had something on her mind. It would appear that the mental warfare she felt emanated from within and took up residence on her face and he sensed that something was up. He pressed her for an answer and she knew it was time so with a lump in her throat had the conversation. It’s start was difficult, nothing she practiced was forthcoming but as she continued to talk, she was able to translate her thoughts into words. She mentioned how very miserable she had become and how she needed this quasi relationship to end. She explained that she still wanted to remain friends and that he could still seek advice from her. She let him know that she still wanted him in her life but not in the same position he currently held. She realised that it was more painful than she thought it would be and tears rolled down her cheek. She thought she would be relieved but understanding the finality in her decision, a feeling of melancholy swept over her. She looked at him; she could see the pain in his eyes; she hugged him and his pain became more apparent when he began to sob. She assured that this was not goodbye and she would still be there for him if he needed her. After they both finished crying it was time for him to leave her house so she wished him a safe journey and insisted that he kept in touch.  She felt somewhat relieved but knew that it would be a while before she could feel normal again but held on to the hope that, in time, everything would be okay and she would have the peace that she so craved.

She was all too familiar with those Lifetime Movies, the one where the woman meets the man of her dreams, falls hopelessly in love and marries him only to later find out that he had not filed for divorce from his previous marriage and is husband and family man to two households. She watched with scorn at the drama and over exaggeration of the gall of the portrayed individuals never ever expecting to be the star of her own, real life, Lifetime Movie.

Luckily for her, however, she had not actually walked down the aisle and he was not actually married but the pain of the discovery that she was not the only one shattered her. She used to always sit and watch the on screen lives of females searching through their partner’s belongings thinking how pathetic they were and how it was their own fault for the discovery they now faced; but as she lay sleepless in bed, the ache in her chest by far surpassed her desire to cast blame. She loved him and she knew he loved her back and even though she was not as expressive as he, she truly cared for him and could not deny that she was the happiest she had been in years.

This discovery was a very hard pill to swallow, one which she would have to cut into pieces before it is fully able to be digested. She remembered how she would berate the women on screen for their inability to ‘leave him’ and start over but now she understood the sheer difficulty involved in an action she once thought was so simple. Now as she lays limply stuck between wanting continuance and the euphoria of this man’s presence in her life and trying to ignore the fact that she will never be the only one; she has realized the truth that experience is the greatest teacher and that ignorance truly is bliss and will assuredly refrain from any form of covert inquiries in the future because she never wants to feel this kind of pain again. She also knows that deep down she will try to erase this discovery from her mind because that is the only way she can move forward since the thought of losing him would surely crush her. She will no longer look down on those women with condescension and pity for now she understands that it is that thing called love that makes people do and endure the craziest of things.

Did she secretly crave intimacy and did he somehow find out?

Continue reading →

I let my clothes fall to the floor before stepping into the shower. I reach for the fragrant, solid mixture of cocoa, raw shea butter and coconut oil and rub it against my skin, carefully and methodically lathering my wet, naked body. After a few minutes, I step out of the shower, notice the time and resigned to the fact that I shall be late, knowing that the upcoming routine could be quite time consuming. I quickly dry my skin, brush my teeth and head to my room to begin the process.

Standing bare, I grab the container with the mixture of essential oils and baking soda and, using my index, apply a small amount to each armpit. It’s important that this is done first since I’m cautious of putting foreign ingredients under my arms. Next I reach for the not-so- natural face moisturizer; had I more time I would apply some astringent to my face before the moisturizer but today I chose to skip that step. After the white substance is fully blended into my skin, I swiftly move on to the next step. A block of cocoa butter is removed from the container and rubbed vigorously between my palms in an effort to soften it. In retrospect it would have made sense to place the block over heat so that it’s melted prior to use and thus easier to apply. Nonetheless, I continue to soften the cocoa butter between my palms and apply to my body, carefully making sure each reachable area is covered and ensuring that my skin is silky and evenly toned.

After this 15 minute process is over, the next task is pretty much seamless and quick as I am now ready to don my outfit for the day. I quickly jump into a dress, throw on an appropriate pair of earrings and prepare to head through the door, but not before the final application of moisture to my lips. Finally I am ready. A quick glance in the mirror confirms that the effort was entirely worth every minute.